“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Ian Maclaren
When I first started writing this blog, not so very long ago, there were very few people in my life who knew the true story of “me.” That I am a mother who has lost five children, and that I tried for several years to make my dream of having a second child come true. I was quite open about my first loss, more secretive with my second loss, and pretty much locked up with the key thrown away when losses three, four and five occurred. And I’ve learned, recently, that this was hurtful to many people who care about me. Why didn’t I tell them what I was going through? Why did I separate, isolate and hide myself behind closed doors? And…why am I telling my story now?
All good questions.
Unfortunately, the answers are complex, individual, multifaceted. And sometimes, the answers are impossible to even put into words.
I think that I could best explain my behavior by telling you a story about someone else, a story that demonstrates the extreme measures some women are willing to go to in order to hide their growing bellies from the world when becoming pregnant again after a loss.
This is a true story about a woman who successfully kept her pregnancy a secret until the day her baby was born. This woman had lost several children prior to this pregnancy, and after suffering the personal, as well as the public aftermath due to those losses, she made the decision to keep her pregnancy hidden in case something went wrong again.
So, she made up a lie.
She told friends and family that she was going to be out-of-town for an entire year at a new job. With that story in place, she then had everything that she needed delivered to her home–even groceries–so that she wouldn’t have to go out in public and risk being seen with a pregnant belly. She did this, she said, to protect herself.
“I don’t ever want to have to explain another loss to another human being…”
Because every time she had to explain it…she had to relive it.
That, in a nutshell, is the essence of why I found the need to separate, isolate and hide myself behind closed doors. Because, every time I had to explain it, I had to relive it. And reliving the death of a child means that you feel it, see it, hear it, think it, smell it…even taste it, once again.
Time has passed, I’m finished trying to have more children, and I am now able to write my story without reliving the pain of my experience. But that didn’t happen overnight, and it took hard work during every single moment of every single day and night, work that I still consistently commit myself to doing every day.
Women who are currently pregnant may not want to read my blog–they may start to think bad thoughts, to worry about what could happen in their own pregnancies after reading about mine. People who’ve recently lost, also, may not be ready to read and share. But, for those of you who are ready–and for those of you who just want to learn and understand–I’m sharing my stories so that you can fully grasp that you are not alone. That your thoughts are not crazy. That your emotions are not evil. That you have every single right to feel the way you feel. Without explanation…without apology.
And, I’m sharing my stories to give you hope, hope that, no matter where you are right now in your grieving process, that a door will someday open for you, that the sun will shine down on your face, that you will laugh and sing and dance again.
I know that this can be true for you, because it was true for me. Allow yourself to grieve–you’ve lost a dream, you’ve lost a life, you’ve lost your future. But, make sure that you eventually give yourself permission to heal, as well, on your own time, on your own schedule. A locked door is perfectly fine, as long as you always keep tabs of where the key to that door is, for those precious moments in time when you are finally ready to venture into new territory.
Thank you for “sharing” and “liking” any blog that moves you. Have a special day…♥
Photos on Visualhunt.com. Photo credit: liebeslakritze on Visual hunt / CC BY-SA. Photo credit: 待宵草 (Gino Zhang) on Visual Hunt / CC BY-NC-SA. Photo credit: mbphoto’s on Visualhunt / CC BY-NC-SA. Photo credit: SiV-Athens on Visualhunt / CC BY-NC-SA