How Many Dependents?

“A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven’t. Most don’t mention it, and they go from day to day as if it hadn’t happened, so people imagine a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had.

But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she’ll know.”

Barbara Kingsolver

“How’s it going?” he asked me, walking into the room.

“Fine,” I lied, staring down at the tax return I was completing.

I sensed his sidelong glance, but to his credit, he said nothing.

“I, um…I just filled out the part on dependents,” I explained, attempting a meager shrug. “It sucks, you know? I can’t even do a simple task anymore without being reminded that my child just died.”

Silently, he dried his hands on a towel, then walked around the kitchen counter to embrace me, where I crumpled up into a ball of broken tears.

“Were there any changes in dependents?” the tax form had read.

No…I’d marked the box with shaking hands.

I hated them for asking.

But I hated myself more…for answering.

Thank you for sharing and/or liking any blog that moves you…

Photos on Photo credit: Gabriela Camerotti on Visualhunt / CC BY-NC.

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

A. A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh


awakeningwildflower Written by:


  1. Bev Donner
    April 14, 2018

    So heart breaking but beautiful. When you have never lost a child, you do not know how painful it is and how you have been blessed .

    • awakeningwildflower
      April 14, 2018

      I know. When I used to get upset at others for not responding the way “I thought” they should respond, I always questioned how I would have responded if I’d never lost a child. Gave me a more understanding perspective.

  2. Small moments in our everyday life and yet such big moments for you….
    So beautiful and at the same time so very sad. xoxo

    • awakeningwildflower
      April 15, 2018

      Thanks, Aga. Hugs…

  3. May 14, 2018

    My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and I never did heal from that pain. It sticks with you for life. I don’t let it stop me from moving forward in life and am faced with other challenges like my daughter’s disability. Life will give us challenges and hardships, in one form or another. Resiliency is something that has made me stronger from these hardships. Others probably won’t understand, or they give the famous line, “I’m sorry…”an$ they may never fully understand even a fraction of our pain.

    • awakeningwildflower
      May 14, 2018

      I was so “gone” when I went through my losses, that I had no ability to see outside of my own dark box. Now, looking at the world through “healed” eyes, I can see that we are all facing our own unique struggles and battles, and that love and understanding are so key to functioning in our society. A person may not understand my pain, and I may not understand theirs, but we can still be present for one another. We can still care. Hugs to you…love to your child in the clouds. ⛅️

      • May 14, 2018

        1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage. Its especially hard when the first pregnancy is a miscarriage, and when it’s reoccurring. It’s a topic that is swept under the rug and you are brave for speaking up about it. My daughter is a rainbow baby, and I’m a double rainbow baby. My husband’s mother had a miscarriage, the cashier down the street did too, the waitress I worked with also experienced the pain.

      • awakeningwildflower
        May 14, 2018

        I know…it’s so sad. We are all in a group none of us wanted to be in.

      • May 14, 2018

        My husband says life isn’t fair and he is totally right.

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